Self-esteem is the term used to describe "the sense of personal worth that an individual entertains ranging from love and acceptance to hate and rejection" (Hargie et al., 1994). It is widely believed, as American psychiatrist Harry Sullivan put forward in 1953, that a person's concept of self develops as a result of either positive or negative experiences with parents and other significant adults.
Children are completely dependent on adults to meet their needs and so, in a very real sense, they are shaped by the ability of their caretakers to meet those needs. Not only must these needs be met at each stage of development, but they must be met in the right sequence, so that children are capable of meeting the challenges that the next stage brings.
Toxic Shame/ the Wounded Inner Child
John Bradshaw, a leading figure in the field of dysfunctional families, maintains (1990) that "inner child" work is the key to recovery from the neglect that some people experience due to caregivers who were too needy themselves to meet the needs of their children. He describes the consequence of such neglect as 'toxic shame', the feeling of being worthless, or "flawed and diminished".
He goes on to explain that this feeling is at the core of the "wounded inner child." It occurs as a result of being damaged as children throughout the development process by the neglect of their emotional expression, their right to free play in a safe environment, their right to be loved, unconditionally, for themselves, as well as their right to safety from physical, sexual and emotional abuse.
People who have low self-esteem, because they do not value themselves, often see unfair treatment, rejection, blame and criticism everywhere. They may write themselves off as "failures", " bad", "un-loveable" or "rejects" (Burns, 1990). They may experience unhealthy feelings of anger, guilt, and depression and express these in destructive ways toward themselves or others.
The Authentic Self/Original Pain Work
Healthy self-esteem is about people being able to accept their shortcomings as well as being able to identify and appreciate their more positive attributes. It involves reconnecting with their "authentic selves" ,who they really are, rather than the false selves that they have become in an effort to be who they think they are supposed to be, reinforced over the years by parental and cultural expectations.
This may, in some cases, necessitate "original pain work", the exploration of repressed feelings as a result of past traumas and experiences, with a qualified therapist so that a person can learn to give themselves the positive, unconditional acceptance that their wounded inner child craves.
Positive Self-talk/Self-Acceptance
As an alternative, cognitive-behavioural therapy encourages a person to focus his or her thoughts and behaviour in the present, seeking to challenge the negative and distorted thinking patterns which can give rise to feelings of low self-esteem. It is about changing the way that people talk to themselves about themselves which, in turn, influences how they feel about themselves.
Self-esteem, it should be remembered, is a fluid concept. It is not a goal in itself that unlocks the key to happiness, once achieved. We are all, in a sense, a "work in progress" constantly striving to overcome our feelings of self-doubt and to realize our need for self-acceptance. It is to be expected that our levels of self-esteem will change throughout our lives in response to our experiences.
Learning to nurture their inner child and understanding that it is never too late to go back and have their needs met, however, can be an enormous advantage to people with low self-esteem, helping to relieve them of its most debilitating effects, and to enhance their lives in ways that they never would have thought possible.
Sources
- Bradshaw, J., "Home Coming," 1990, Piatkus Books Ltd.
- Burns, M.D.,David D., "The Feeling Good Handbook," 1990, Penguin Books Ltd.
- Hargie, O. et al., "Social Skills in Interpersonal Communication 3rd Edition," 1994, Routledge.
Disclaimer: The information contained in this article is for educational purposes only and should not be used for diagnosis or to guide treatment without the opinion of a health professional. Any reader who is concerned about his or her health should contact a doctor for advice.
Deirdre Hughes - Originally from Toronto, Canada, Deirdre Hughes moved to Belfast, N. Ireland, where she completed her secondary education, in 1988. She ...
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